Sitting in no man’s land – woman’s land in this instance!

It’s the mental and emotional struggle when one partner in a relationship will spend countless hours, months and sometimes years going over and over in their minds, talking to friends trying to answer the question ‘Should I stay or should I go?’

I know for sure that I am not the only person to ask myself that very question.  And I’m pretty certain that many happy couples do as well.

I played this very same question in my mind over and over again and one day I heard Mira Kirshenbaum, the author of “Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay,” being interviewed on the radio and it was as if she was speaking directly to me.

I had a good husband, a beautiful family, a great lifestyle and on the surface everything looked perfect.  When you have worked hard at keeping a relationship together over a number of years, life is pretty good, family and friends are important then why would a question like this keep bubbling to the surface.

If you are feeling like this then perhaps your partner is also feeling the same way. We all go through periods of doubt and frustration with different aspects of our relationships whether it is with a significant partner, family or friends. Relationships need to be nurtured through open, honest and clear communication and unfortunately so many of us are sadly lacking in the ability to do this.

My partner and I talked more when we were separating than we had done in years.  If we had done that through our married life things may have turned out very differently.

Over the past several years and a couple of other relationships I began to recognise a pattern.  I was the Queen of Assumptions.  I assumed that my boundaries were obvious.  That what I said was understood. That I understood the meaning behind what my partner said. That my expectations were very clear.  That my deal breakers, well clearly deal breakers they should just know what these are, right.

There are some things you can do to help yourself and a good place to start is by asking yourself some better questions.

  • What do I want?
  • What am I looking for that I don’t have now?
  • What is missing in this relationship for me?
  • What is it about me that is bringing up these feelings and thoughts?
  • What have I been avoiding?
  • When did I stop asking for what I want?
  • When did I stop listening?
  • Is it possible for me to have what I want in this relationship?
  • Where have I placed responsibility for my happiness on someone else?
  • Is there a pattern that seems to be consistently showing up in other areas of my life?
  • If I am really honest with myself what other things have I just accepted in my life?
  • What things have I taken for granted?
  • What am I prepared to do to create the relationship I want?

In many cases the decision has already been made to leave and the struggle is more about taking that next step.

Finding an independent professional coach or counsellor who you feel safe and comfortable with will also help you get clear about what is really going on.

Should I leave or should I stay, a really tough question, whatever you decide.

It’s also a great question when it highlights the things that need to change and allows you to do something about taking control of what’s not working for you and ultimately create the life you want.

If it is a situation where there is physical or emotional abuse or any other indiscretions that violate your values and trust then you already have your answer.

To share your comments or personal story – send me an email:

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx


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