LIVING A LIE AND FEELING TRAPPED?

Have you ever felt trapped living a lie?

On a recent episode of Soul.TV a woman asked us for some for help.

She was still living with her ex-husband after being divorced for 4 years and she also acknowledged that she had been struggling to go through with taking any action towards finalising the property settlement for the past 3 years and hadn’t discussed this with her ex husband, oh and the inlaws still don’t even know they are divorced.  She is feeling stuck and trapped!

The truth is that we already have the answers to our own problems but sometimes they get so clouded by our fears of an uncertain future we can stay trapped in a life we don’t want and afraid to do what we really want to do.  Whether it’s a major change we want to make in our lives or something like giving up smoking or losing weigh every fear, worry or anxious thought we have about it will activate a little part of our brain that is on the alert for danger and it’s job is to keep us safe and exactly where we are now.

The facts are that change is not always easy and leaving what is familiar for an uncertain future can be very challenging.  If it’s security and certainty that is keeping you stuck than it’s only a matter of time before you realise that security and certainty are nothing more than illusions.   Life does not come with a certificate that guarantees that you will always be secure and that you will always know what is going to happen next.

Feeling trapped and living a lie doesn’t just apply to a relationship although I have heard plenty of stories from women who knew for a long time that their husbands where cheating and chose to well, live a lie and bury their heads in the sand and hope it would all just go away.

We look at people in the media we admire and think they have it all together. Great job, the lifestyle, the relationship, the money and when they come crashing down and we see another side to their lives we are left wondering how that could possibly happen. For me it highlights not just the perceptions we have of other people but also the face we show to the world.

We all engage in self-deception, rationalisation and lies in varying degrees. We use self-deception to keep us from facing the reality of our finances, our health our sexuality and our relationships. We add colour to our experiences to make them sound more exciting and interesting, we exaggerate our opportunities or our abilities to boost our sense of self, we justify our spending habits and when we are feeling like a failure and a fraud we put on our biggest smiles and pretend that all is right in our world.

Take some time to identify in what areas of your life you are living a lie?

Decide what you are going to do about, get help if you need it and then enjoy the sense of freedom that comes with taking your head out of the sand and the new possibilities that may open up for you.

Please share your thoughts, comments, or personal story via email jenny@divorcedwomensclub.com.au

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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JOY, LAUGHTER, FAMILY & FRIENDS

Christmas, a time of joy, laughter, good times, family and friends.

Or it it?

This time of year can also the catalyst for endings.

Many people spend this time reassessing their lives. Whether it be a job or career they are no longer finding satisfying,

the realisation that continuing to ignore their health and fitness is no longer an option,

being in debt, ending conflict with family and friends or living yet another year being unhappy or unfulfilled in a relationship.

For many people who spend time reassessing their relationships either consciously or sub-consciously, it can and does lead to many couples heading to the divorce courts in the New Year.

It’s not that someone suddenly wakes up one morning and says “OK, it’s all over, I want out of this relationship.”

For many there has been an emotional and physical disconnect for some time before the actual decision is made to call it quits and sometimes it can be just one more little thing that happens that proves to be the catalyst for this decision.

When I started to write this blog the words ‘Emotional Bank Account’ popped into my mind and as I usually take notice of these ‘little things that pop into my mind’ I went to my book shelf to find the book that this came from. It’s just a little ‘off topic’ but worth sharing.

If you haven’t read Stephen R Covey’s ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ there are many, many takeaways from this book and I highly recommend, it is a great read.

Here are just a few of the profound words from Mr Covey on relationships.

An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship.
If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty and keeping my commitments to you I build up a reserve.

When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant and effective. If a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits, a marriage will deteriorate.

Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way and may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness.

For many women who have been through divorce this is yet another time of emotional turmoil as they struggle with memories of good times past. Happy family gatherings at Christmas and seeing children’s faces light up with delight on Christmas morning. For those women now on their own, particularly if they are newly separated, it is a time of sadness for the loss of those special family times. It may also be a time of financial stress as they simply do not have the resources to buy their kids the gifts they would like to, particularly if they see the father lavishing all sorts of presents on them. The facts are that there simply doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of joy in the world for them.

If you are reading this blog and this is how you are feeling about Christmas there are some things you can do to make this a more enjoyable time.
The very best way, as with most things, is to take the focus of ourselves and think about what we can do to make the day more fun and enjoyable for someone else.

Easier said than done, I know.

But the truth is that when we get out of our heads and turn our thinking around there are many ways we can really make a difference in the lives of someone else and the reward is that we get to “feel great” about ourselves and grateful for the people and things what we do have in our lives.

Here are just a few ideas.

  • Have an open house for your friends who might be spending the day on their own. Here in Australia we call it an ‘Orphan’s Christmas’.
  • Perhaps volunteering at a homeless people’s shelter or a women’s refuge.
  • Or visiting the local hospital or an aged care facility.

Begin by asking yourself this question.

“What could I do today to make someones day a little brighter?” Notice what ideas come to mind. Then go do that!

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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COPING WITH LOSS

The dictionary describes grief as sadness, anguish, heartache, regret, remorse, sorrow and suffering.

Grief is everyone single one of these words and I think it needs all of these words to illustrate the extend of what it is to experience.

Grief is one of the key emotions that women going through divorce and loss experience and takes a considerable amount of time to move through.

It may seem strange that the function of grief is to heal.

Sorrow can make you feel as though you are being torn apart, cell from little tiny cell.

People who follow grief through its whole course emerge stronger and healthier, more able to cope with the inevitable losses that affect every human life.

In the end they become sources of wisdom and compassion for themselves and everyone around them.

Sorrow is heavy, hard work.
It stalls all your systems in order to force you toward a very, very painful task, coping with loss.  And loss always lies at the root of grief.  Every time you lose something you hold dear, you must grieve, and every time you feel grief-stricken you can be sure you have lost something dear.  We are stunned and devastated by things like separation, aging and death as though these aren’t the very constants sure to affect every single one of us.

Whatever the reason, loss is hard for us and healing from it takes a lot of energy.  Grief pushes us into ‘deep rest’ weighing down our muscles, wringing tears from our eyes and sobs from our bellies.  It isn’t pretty but it is natures way.

Our deepest grief is reserved for things that have no acceptable substitutes: loved ones, relationships, health, hopes and dreams.  Trying to replace someone special to you, or something you once were is actually useless. There is nothing to do but mourn and the pain will disappear a whole lot faster if you lean into it.

1. Find Or Make a Safe Place to Grieve
At a bare minimum you have to have a safe place for mourning, privacy and quiet.  Maybe wrapping yourself in a blanket, have a pen and paper at hand to express your feelings in writing.  Some good old sad songs are also useful.  Any song that helps you cry will access your grief, move it through you and help you release it.

2. Reserve Time to Grieve
Sadness slows you down, give yourself more time than you think to finish tasks like cleaning your house or finishing projects.  The more love and support you give yourself, and get from others, the more energy you will have for the tasks of everyday life.

3. Maximise Comforting Activities
This means doing things that gladden your heart. Walking along the beach or in nature, listening to music, enjoying your children or your pets, whatever works best for you.

One of the Four Noble Truths taught by the Buddha was that any permanence we perceive, in ourselves or the world around us, is an illusion.
Clinging to that illusion, trying to force things to stay as they are, leads inevitably to suffering.  Accepting impermanence means embracing the world as it is, complete with loss.  Refusing to accept change doesn’t mean that the pain of losing something you love will never start, it only means that the pain will never stop.  As they say in coaching, the only way out is through.

    • Losing the illusion of permanence means that you will accept your losses.
    • It means that you will become well acquainted with sorrow.
    • It also means that you will realise the infinite sources of healing and joy that are available to an open heart.
    • People who don’t resist grief, who let if flow through them, come out more resilient on the other side.
    • They are less afraid of loss, more able to soften the pain of those around them and quicker to appreciate whatever happiness life brings.
    • Ironically, it is those who have accepted the most terrible grief who are capable of the greatest joy.

Thank you to ‘Martha Beck’ for permission to use some content from her book ‘Finding Your Own North Star’.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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IS YOUR SENSE OF SELF-WORTH INTACT?

Self-worth!

The reason I wanted to address this topic is because I see so many women bashing themselves up about not being enough …… and ‘enough’ is another whole discussion topic.

As I began to write this blog it caused me to stop and really think about what this word means to me.

This of course led to to think about the times in my life when my self-worth was feeling a bit battered and bruised?

  • When a boy I really really liked wasn’t remotely interested in me.
  • When I hit a rough patch trying to cope with small children and felt totally inadequate as a mother.
  • When I didn’t / don’t achieve some goals I had set for myself.
  • When I failed miserably because of some financial decisions I made
  • When I was dumped by a guy I really cared about for a much younger woman
  • Times when I held my tongue instead of speaking up for what I believed in
  • Times when I let someone else control my life to some degree to avoid confrontation
  • Times when I questioned my ability as a coach (the not good enough syndrome!)

In total contrast to the previous comments I believe that I have always had a strong underlying sense of my own self-worth!

  • A very strong belief that I deserve to have the best that life has to offer
  • That I have a voice and a message to share with the world
  • That I attract only the very best people and things into my world
  • That I am enough!

As I look back over my list of battered and bruised self-worth issues the only difference in the two examples are that I thought I wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, smart enough, young enough, strong enough, educated enough, rich enough.

SELF WORTH COMES FROM ONE THING – THINKING THAT YOU ARE WORTHY.  Wayne Dyer

I BELIEVE THAT ALL SELF WORTH ISSUES ARE THOUGHTS ABOUT NOT BEING ENOUGH!

THEY ARE NOT REAL, THEY ARE JUST THOUGHTS AND THEY CAN TAKE CONTROL OF OUR LIVES IF WE LET THEM.

Take particular notice of the times when these little thoughts come invading your head space, take some time to observe what is behind them, what meaning you are making of them – and then turn them around and give them a much more empowering meaning.  Ones that makes you feel great about yourself and your life!

DO YOU HAVE AN INSIGHTS TO SHARE?

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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ON DEATH AND DYING

It has been said that divorce is like a death. And in terms of life as you once knew it, it is! The death of your dreams, your plans for the future, and the commitment you both made to each other.

In her book ‘On Death and Dying’, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross talks about the Five Stages of Grief which can just as easily be applied to what is experienced through separation and divorce and it looks something like this although many of us go through different stages more than once.

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. From my own experience and my experience with other women it rarely moves smoothly from one stage to the other, there is simply no beginning and end.  Most women take one step forward and two steps back repeatedly moving back through different phases over time until eventually reaching the point of acceptance.

Acceptance that the relationship really is over and there is no going back. Everyone travels this journey at a different pace, there is no right or wrong.  The important thing is that there is eventually a point at which you are able to start looking towards the future.

Denial:
This is when the shit has hit the fan, your partner has just pulled the rug out from under you and you are in a state of shock.  You spend your time talking about how things can be better, suggesting going to counseling to sort things out, pleading and begging for this not to happen and making all sorts of promises to make this stop. Eventually when all else has failed you move to the next phase Anger.

Anger:
I have seen some women move into this stage as if comatosed until the anger bubbles to the surface and the vitriolic outburst and physical expression of their anger would frighten a harden soldier.  This stage will be returned to time and time again as every little obstacle, upset, fight with one of the kids, running out of money, whatever daily instances that were once never that big a problem become yet another reason to unleash your anger.

I actually think it is a really good thing when you get to this stage.  The build up of all the fears, hurt, resentment, and hatred all erupt like a volcano and the sooner this happens the better.  You will call him for everything you can lay your tongue on and then when you’re done, you’re done.  After the anger has been spent you may move into the next phase.

Bargaining:
In this stage you will attempt to repair and undo the damage done to your life.

If you have caught you partner out in an affair he might swear that it will never happen again and promise you the world if you just stay.

If the thought of living without him scares the crap out of you, then pleading for him to stay might be your response.  In an instant you forget all the fights you had, all the annoying things he did that you complained about, all you see is your imagined future living on your own and struggling to survive.

Bargaining is a last ditch attempt at coming to terms with the decision to divorce.

Depression:
This is when the sadness really kicks in.  You might find yourself hitting the alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain, you listen to sad songs about breakups, watch the girly movies in your pj’s for days on end and live on ice-cream and other assorted comfort foods.

This is also the stage when you need to find a professional to help you.  Many women sink into the depths of depression and stay there for a very long time.  Feeling sad is normal but you need to be around people who will take you out of yourself from time to time, check in with a counselor or therapist so you can work through what needs to be done.  This can be a very difficult stage for many women and for many it is the time that doctors will prescribe anti-depressants.

A word of caution – ask your doctor to give you all the facts about anti-depressants, the possible side effects, the fact that you may become dependent on them just to function normally.  The body can provide you with another way of getting the same results without the risks through exercise.  Using exercise, even if you become somewhat addicted to it initially will certainly help you in many different ways.

Acceptance:
Once you reach this stage you will certainly feel much lighter and ready to start thinking about your future and getting on with your life.  There will be times over the next year or so when you have moments of regret and sadness for the lost dreams of happily ever after and till death do us part, but for the most part you are on the path to a new and different life.

In my work and in my own personal experience I know that there are thousands of women who will testify to the fact that their life is happier and more fulfilling after divorce than they ever thought was possible. 

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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HEARTBREAK HURTS LIKE CRAZY!

EMOTIONAL WOUNDS BURY THEMSELVES AT THE VERY CORE OF OUR BEING AS A RESULT OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

Today I am sharing some snippets from the delightful Martha Beck in my writing today.

‘Emotional Wounds’ we all have them.
Some from childhood experiences, our teenage years and lost love and relationships that came to an end.

In my role as a coach and mentor giving divorce advice for women a common question is about heartbreak.  Questions like ‘when will the pain go away?’

Many women use these words to describe how they feel, ‘my heart is broken,’ ‘my heart has been ripped open,’ ‘I can feel the pain in my heart.’

These words are in songs about lost love, and used by people in various stages of grief, whether related to separation and divorce or the loss a loved one through death.

A broken heart is a felt experience, there is literally pain felt in the heart region.

Our emotions are incredibly powerful and precise navigational tools and many of us have encountered circumstances that damaged our emotional wellbeing.  If you have managed to go through life without taking any shrapnel to the heart, you and I obviously aren’t living on the same planet.

Hemingway wrote that although life breaks us all, some of us manage to become strong at the broken places.

This happens naturally if an emotional wound has the right conditions to heal.  Some people who live in an emotionally safe environment start mending almost as soon as their injuries occur, the rest of us were on emotional battlefields where there wasn’t even a safe place to rest let alone anyone skilled enough to administer first aid.  So we patched our wounds as best we could and battled on, still bleeding, still carrying shrapnel in our souls.

Our self-doubt, fear and grief made us pull away from our desires and opportunities that would have been perfect for us if we had been in good emotional health.

When we stop to clean, dress and stitch up our emotional injuries it is a key step toward attaining the life you want.

Even if you achieve things that seem outwardly fabulous, or head into a new relationship an unhealed emotional injury will make you experience them as empty and unappealing.  These are the things that will keep coming up to bite you time and time again.

There is evidence that the body will store these emotional wounds for years and years and they can have a detrimental effect on your physical health of our bodies.

I thought I had done all that needed to be done for myself, forgiveness and acceptance until about 10 years later when I was doing a detox for a week it all came out as I was having a Reiki treatment. There were tears that seemed to come from nowhere that flowed, non stop for about 24 hours.  I’ll never forget that day or the words that came out of my mouth.  Strong ugly words that I would normally never use to describe how I felt about what had happened years before.

The reality is that we all need time to grieve, it is the bodies natural way of helping us heal, but sometimes we need to get some external help to release some of these deep core tightly held emotions.  Before you head off into a new relationship my advice to you is this, ‘do whatever you need to do to clear up the emotional wounds and blocks before you enter into a new relationship.’

Practicing mediation, massages, working with a body worker and energy healer, Reiki, EFT or other similar techniques are all there to help you.

What was your personal experience of feeling your heart break?

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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SCARED, AFRAID AND OUT OF CONTROL?

The end of a relationship can be downright scary.

The thoughts of starting all over again will have waves of emotion including fear washing all over you.

So much of your life is changing, what was once just your ‘normal’ life is no more.

For most people it is going through the motions, day by day, simply to get through the things that must to be done. And right there constantly with you are thoughts running through your mind that are making you feel afraid. Fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of not know how you will get through this, fear of financial insecurity, fear of having to to it all on your own, fear that your children will be suffering, fear that you will never have that special someone in your life again, fear that you will grow old all alone, fear that you are not loveable, and so it goes.

So many women go into overwhelm at this time, I’ve been there too!  The thoughts begin to spiral out of control and take you deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole. When you are in the thick of it sometimes just going with it for a while helps, no resistance just letting it flow through you and over you until it’s time to start doing something different.

There is no time frame I can give to for how long it will take for you to get to the place where you are ready to take the next big step.  For women who work with a coach or a counsellor the time will certainly be much shorter, doing it on your own, relying on family and friends will take a whole lot longer and there is a chance you will take all your resentments and anger with you into the future.

If you have decided that you want to turn your life around as soon as possible a great place to start is by beginning to think about and keeping your eye on the bigger goal, the better days, and how you want things to be different starting today.

Focusing only on your future, on the time when everything is as it should be again, the time when you feel at peace again, knowing that you have come through this all in one piece, healthy and healed and happy. A new found sense of inner peace and living and loving life again, truly living this time around.

Make use of the power of visualisation to propel you forward.

Did you know that the mind doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what is imagined?

Did you know that our futures are created in our minds first?

Start right now thinking about how you want your life to be, and the more detail you can add the better.

When you focus on these things really get in touch with what this future feels likes, imagine in your minds eye what it looks like, really allow yourself to feel what it feels like, I want you to close your eyes as you do this and allow the sensations of having this new life to flow through your body, notice what you hear, the sounds around you, the peoples voices, perhaps your children laughing and playing.

Redesign your life just as you paint a picture of it exactly the way you want to.  Imagine the new people you have in your life, the fun you are having, and embrace a deep knowing within that you have never experienced before. This new awareness that you really do have the power to create your future and that it all starts in your imagination.  Put all of your desires ahead of your fears every step of the way, always keeping your eye on the bigger picture.

You will still have moments of fear, hey, you are human after all, this is normal.  With a new found awareness and consistently coming back with your focus on your future over time you will discover that as you  move past these fears you find the flip side of fear, courage.  Eventually you will see it as a faithful and trusted friend that can be relied upon to be your guide. Courage to continue on when things get tough and do whatever it takes to get your life back on track.

I love this little snippet I read about how Bruce Springsteen approaches his moments of fear before he goes on stage to perform.  (fear has many different faces) He was asked if he ever gets nervous and fearful before he goes on stage and he said no, “my palms get sweaty, perspiration runs down my face, my heart starts pounding and when that happens I know I am pumped.

“Simply by changing the meaning behind the fear, changes everything.”

Change is never painful, only resistance to change is painful. Buddha

 

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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BREAKING FREE

BREAKING FREE

Many women who have been in an unhappy, unfulfilling or even an abusive relationship of some kind, find it really difficult to get out and get on with living a more fulfilling life.

For some it can take many years to get over the end of a relationship, lives put on hold as they hang on to the past and what might have been.

I understand that this can be a very individual and complex topic and I have no intention of digging deep into this in this blog but I do have some things I want to share with you.

If you still find yourself questioning the end of your relationship after a fairly long period of time you may be spending a fair amount of time beating yourself up with a whole lot of ‘what if’ questions.

You know the ones that go like this!

What if I had been more attentive, more attractive, more loving?

What if I was slimmer, smarter, sexier?

What if I made more effort in the bedroom?

And on and on the list goes in an ever-spiraling loop of negative self-talk and beating yourself up as you create anxiety, stress, guilt, remorse and for some, long periods of depression.

Any relationship ends for a number of reason and sometimes it’s just not about you!  If you have spent far too long living in the past and find yourself struggling to move forward and create a fabulous new life for yourself this may be helpful.

How do to break this cycle? 

I’m about to share with you a technique that has proved very powerful for many women to free themselves from their attachment to their partner and allowed them to begin creating a better life for themselves a whole lot faster.

This technique is called ‘The Threshold Technique’ created by NLP guru Richard Bandler.

Part of the power of this technique comes from the speed at which you run it.  It is important to take the time to read it through properly before you start.  If you have to stop to figure out the next step you will lose momentum.

Decide now whether you are ready for a radical change in your feelings and read it through carefully before you begin.

  1. Call to mind a picture of yourself with your ex when you were in love.  Look at it as though it was a photograph and notice how strongly it affects you now.  Then just imagine putting it to one side so you can check it again in a moment.
  2. Next call to mind four negative experiences with your ex-partner where you felt very definitely upset, or repulsed by them.  Perhaps you will think of times when they did something that really offended you or did something that you found hurtful.  Make a list of them so you can easily call them to mind.
  3. Now fully return to those four negative memories one at a time in detail as though you were inside each of them re-enacting the moment.  See the things you saw, hear the things you heard and feel completely the negative feelings you felt all over again like you are actually there.
  4. Go through the memories again and again, one after another, each time making the images a bit bigger, brighter and more colourful, so they become more and more intense.  Now go through them faster and faster, until the events are overlapping, until there is no break at all between all the worst parts happening over and over again.
  5. When you have generated a really strong negative feeling throughout your body, look at that picture of yourself when you were in love with your ex, and notice how differently you feel now.
  6. Finally imagine stepping out of all the memories and imagine all the pictures and feelings to do with you ex floating away from you and going off into the far distant past.

Many people only need to do this technique once to feel totally free of their attachment to their old relationship.  If you want to, you can do it again carefully and thoroughly in order to reinforce the effect.

I would love to know how your feelings have changed having done this exercise, what else you have noticed and perhaps think about some other people in your life where you might like to apply this same technique  🙂

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

 

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LETTING GO!

Letting Go!

‘After 15 years I still think about him all the time’.

‘I still wear my wedding ring, I never take it off.’

‘I just can’t get over that fact that he left me for a much younger woman.’

I could go on and create a very long list of statements I have heard from some of my clients or in general conversation with someone who knows what work I do.

So many women and men are caught up in the past and unable to move on with their lives?  Unable to accept that the relationship has ended and life as they once knew it is over.

Many still living with blame, anger, resentment and regret for far too many years.

Who are they trying to punish?  And who are they really hurting?

I absolutely love my work and this is something that both frustrates and saddens me.

None of us know how long we have on this earth.  And yet we go about our day-to day lives as if we will live forever.  We talk about all the things we will do, one day!

Each one of us will, one day look back and wish we had done more, played more, risked more, danced more, laughed more and loved more.  We will all have those moments of regret for something we did or didn’t do but to put your whole like on hold, to hit the pause button so you can hang onto your story for years and years about how you were treated, or how much you suffered seems to me such a waste.

Letting go is a choice. Never letting go is also a choice.

If you enjoy reading, than I suggest that you  grab a copy of ‘The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie.  A great book to help you with any number of issues that are all a natural part of being human.

I know many of you struggle with this so keep your eye out for more on this topic in upcoming blog posts.

Your thoughts, comments, personal story or suggestions are important to me.

With love and gratitude

Jenny xx

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